Maybe, said the Farmer (testing..)

This is a test to make sure the subscription app works but I included my favorite Zen Parable because, well it defines life.

Maybe, said the Farmer

"Once upon a time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer."

--Zen Parable

All News is Good News...

All News is Good News...


Or at least that is what I am telling myself.

In the last week of March we received our conditional approval from CARA to match with a child and were told that full approval would be granted no later that April 10th. It was on April 9th that our case worker received an email from CARA not granting us full approval but rather asking for eight additional documents.

Eight.

That is right, they needed copies of both my and Mark's passports, copies of both my and Mark's original birth certificates, 2014 taxes, family photos, and full medical evaluations for both Mark and me. Apparently CARA is requiring more paperwork to grant a CARINGS approval than they had in the past.

Oh well...

Thank goodness we had everything ready to scan and send off within twenty-four hours, before the weekend. Because we uploaded all the needed documents so quickly I still had hope that maybe we would receive our approval this week but after the email I received this morning it seems that will not be the case. Our case will now be reviewed the first week in May.

My guess is that because we did not have all the required paperwork in when our file was reviewed on April 9th, the full review was delayed till next month when all the documents can be reviewed together.

The good news is that we know that our file has been looked at and that it is not suck in a pile on someone's desk where it could easily be forgotten. Hopefully, come next month, we will have approval.




I had bought this Elephant beer to celebrate our CARINGS aproval, but fear not readers; beer is good for a night of commiserating with your spouse too.

Our First Update After Turning Our Home Study Over to India

**This was written a week ago but I wanted to make sure I added everyone before resuming...


I know that it has been a while since I have written. At first I was slammed with dossier paperwork and now I have a cold.

A cold!

I never get colds but, of course, in the midst of a very hopeful, stressful week I get a cold.

Anyway, over the past few months our family life has been peaceful, fun, and dare I say... normal. Miles is doing so fantastically well that I have been afraid to update everyone as I feared jinxing our fortune.

Our old Miles is back!!!

No more depression. No more sadness. No more tantrums. Praise God! I can not explain what a relief it is to see the spirit back in him. We know that this sudden change does not mean that he will never steep into another bout of depression but it is proof that he now has the tools to find his way out. As most thing in life are, his sadness is a phase that can be phased out.

Relief has set in and the adoption is back on track.

We have moved forward in the process and our home study has been approved by the US. We are now registered on CARINGS, the list of India's waiting children and, according to our case worker CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority) stated that we should be approved before or on April 10th. From there we wait to be matched.

This is where we need prayers.

We are prusuing a certain little girl and we are at risk of missing her on CARINGS if India does not approve us in time. It is difficult to put your future and your hopefully-soon-to-be-child's future in the hands of another country and an agency that you have only know for a few months. Please pray that we are approved to be matched quickly, and our case worker's diligence pays off and that she finds our 'Petal'. Pray that everything continues to go smoothly and that we receive the next four approvals we need before court in the recommended four month period (unrealistic expectation, I know!)  and that this process does not drag on for years.                

I look forward to updating everyone soon and hopefully that update will be of a match!

***Update from the time this blog post was originally written:

Miles has graduated therapy! We went out to celebrate his last session and, of course, he choose Brewery Bar like a good Amann.

Tacos are always the answer.

From Bad to Worse

From Bad to Worse

So much has happened since last week and I am sad to say that the less exciting week that I had hoped for failed to come. If last week was bad this week was worse.

After my diagnosis and subsequent prescriptions I began taking the Levothyroxine (the med for hypothyroidism). On the second day of taking the pills my hands and feet began to itch but I assumed it was due to my body adjusting to having thyroid hormone in my system. I thought "no big deal."   Over the next few days the itching spread to all over my body and five days later it turned into hives. I went to bed on Wednesday night defeated, knowing that something was wrong and that my prescription was somehow off. That next morning I was awoken at 5.20am with a huge adrenaline rush and a heart rate exceeding 150 beats per minute. Now, that is my heart rate when I run a 5k or do Insanity so I immediately knew there was a major problem. I sat in our bathroom practicing deep breathing and other relaxation techniques but after ten minutes nothing was helping. It felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I awoke Mark. He took my pulse. Again it was around 150. As we were debating going to the ER the shaking began. Out of nowhere I began to shake uncontrollably on my right side. It was at that moment we decided to pack the kids up and go the Littleton Hospital ER.

As Mark dressed and settled the kids I sat in the bathroom with no control of my high, irregular heart rate or the involuntary shaking of my body. It HAD to be the Levothyroxine. There was no question in my mind.

Once admitted to the ER with tachycardia, arrhythmia, and tremors. Blood was taken to be tested and a head CT scan was ordered (why is still beyond me), and IV Benadryl was administered. Mark and I talked to the PA and told him about Dr. Grumpy (who is going to be renamed Dr. Who-Needs-To-Go-Back-To-Medical-School) and, in a very unprofessional but appreciated manor was told that this particular Dr. had a reputation and that many people wished he would be removed from the Littleton complex. This opinion has also beed echoed by a medical professional who I am right now indebted to as she has been the only person to fight to provide me accurate medical information. Her name will be NP Ninja-Hero. After learning about my recent hypothyroid diagnosis and reviewing bottle of medication he left to talk to Big Ol' ER Doc- Another man I am not a big fan of at this moment.

Why am I not a big fan of Bio Ol' ER Doc you ask? Let's start with the fact that he never actually came in to talk with me. We can also add in that the only time I did hear from him he stood in the doorway and told me straight up that the medication was NOT the cause of my tachycardia, arrhythmia, and tremors. That is right, he told me the only thing wrong with me was a slight Magnesium deficiency and that my symptoms were simply unexplained. In fact, he was so sure that Levothyroxine was not the reason for my symptoms that a thyroid workup was not even included in the blood tests that were ordered. I was discharged after a clear CT scan and was told to continue with my meds.

Well done Big Ol' ER Doc.

Although my heart rate had, for the most part, leveled out to a non-impending-death rate (yes, that is a little bit of sour sarcasm) and the tremors went down on its own. I was still having low level shakes and constant adrenaline rushes that would start at the top of my stomach and slowly spread throughout my chest and stomach. I could not walk up a set of stairs without my hear rate raising and I would spend the next 48 hours constantly watched by either Mark or Erin. I was NOT better, I was NOT going to continue taking Levo, and I NEEDED answers.

I called two nurse lines. Both told me to go back to the ER.

Because the first trip was so helpful.

I called the off hours emergency number for Dr. Who-Needs-To-Go-Back-To-Medical-School and was told to call the next day during normal hours.

Great advice. Really, very helpful.

Did I mention that the exact symptoms that I was having are listed on the prescription packet under the 'CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY IF...' section.

Why didn't anybody connect this!?

I was frustrated. I knew something was going on that was not being explained by the nurses or doctors that I had talked to. And I knew that continuing with the medication was not an option for me.

Thankfully, we know NP Ninja-Hero, and Mark reached out to her for advise.

The first question she asked me was "What is your T4 number?"

Me: "My what? I have no idea. I was never tested for my T4?"

NP Ninja-Hero: "What! You were diagnosed and prescribed medication without a T4 test?" (It may not have been said exactly in those words but you get the picture.)

It turns out that in order to diagnose hypothyroid you need more than a TSH number as they fluctuate with stress and life in general. And, even if you looked at my TSH number it is not even that high at 4.2. The fact that I was weening my youngest coupled with the stress over the past year could have been enough to inflate it. This means that there is a strong possibility that I might not even have hypothyroidism. NP Ninja-Hero also found out from the pharmacist in her practice that allergic reaction to the pink coloring used in Levo is a very possible reaction. Together NP Ninja-Hero and the pharmacist stated embarrassment at the way the Littleton ER handled my case.

With their help, over the past few days, we have narrowed it down to two possibilities of what happened to me.

The first possibility: That Big Ol' ER Doc was wrong when he adamantly denied a correlation between my symptoms and Levo. You know, the same symptoms that are listed on the medication instructions.  I may be allergic to the pink dye used in the pill as it is not an uncommon documented reaction that he should have been aware of according to NP Ninja-Hero's pharmacist. In that case I should have been told to stop taking the pills immediately.


The second possibility: When Dr. Who-Needs-To-Go-Back-To-Medical-School, diagnosed me using just my TSH number and neglected to take into consideration my current stress level or the hormonal changes from weening, then failed to conduct follow up blood tests- he misdiagnosed me.  This would mean that the whole time I was taking Levo I was overloading my body with thyroid hormone until my body could no longer function properly. This overdose caused the itching, tachycardia, arrhythmia, and tremors. I was even told that it was a good thing I was young and healthy because this episode, or thyroid storm, could have caused a heart attack or even killed me.

It has now been four days since I have taken Levo and at this point in time I am still coming down from whatever reaction I had. The heart issues and adrenaline rushes are gone as well as the tremors but the itching has come back with a vengeance and brought it's friend mental spaciness.

Slowly I am getting better.

I plan on finding another general practitioner and receiving a full thyroid workup. Once I get the results I will know for sure if I was allergic to the dye or if I overdosed on a medicine I should have never been prescribed in the first place. No matter the cause, the one thing that I have learned from this all is that it is so important to advocate for yourself. If something feels wrong don't blindly accept it. Research, ask questions, and do not give in. Our health is all we have and we have to be the keepers of it.

A Home Study Wake Up Call

For months we have had our India home study close to complete but because of the challenges we faced last year and the uncertainty that resulted both Mark and I had put off our medical appointments.Until now that is.

Neither of us have a primary care physician that we frequent as I have opted for a more holistic midwifery model approach to my health during the past six years of pregnancy and nursing and Mark tends to lean towards the 'if it isn't broke, don't fix it' type of healthcare.

Because, you know, we are part of the invincible generation.

So, in order to find a physician I googled Cigna-primary-care-provider-accepting-new-patients-in-Littleton. Low and behold a good ol' doctor was less than five minutes away and had available openings within the week.

Appointments were booked.

Now, let me offer up a piece of advice for those seeking a primary care physician: don't settle for the first name that comes up on a google search! Seriously. He was awful. His whole practice was awful. From the office staff, who very rudely refused to let a Medicaid patient see a doctor because he did not have a $2 copay (don't worry, we ended up giving him the $2).  To Dr. Grumpy himself who I am sure was born devoid of humor and told me I better be nicer to him because I was dependent on him signing my home study paperwork. After this we were then told to go downstairs where we would receive complete blood panels, HIV testing, and TB testing. Downstairs in that tiny room accompanied only by a sweet, timid phlebotomist is where I unexpectedly took my mid-day nap. Yup, right after that fifth vile was filled with my blood and that needle was slowly removed from my vein I passed out.

Overall it was an awful experience.

After this appointment we only had to take pictures of our TB test two days later and wait for the blood work results to return so the doc could sign off on our bill of health. On the following Saturday we took the pictures- no swelling meant no TB and on Monday I received a voicemail from the doctor's office. I picked up the phone and began to listen to the recording. The man on the message introduced himself and said that our results were in but...

But... My thyroid results were abnormal and vitamin D levels were extremely low. I had to call to make an appointment because the doc wanted to talk about how we went forward from here.

I was shocked. Speechless. And all I could think was "Do I have the C word?" 

Everyone I have known that had thyroid issues ended up having cancer, and I was terrified that I, too, would join them on that journey. Suddenly all I could think about was how young Henry was and how... if I died... he would not even remember me. Tears.

I know this sounds extreme but no one knows how they will react to such a possibility and that is where my mind went. I was not scared, I was just horribly sad.

I called Mark, who was in Breckenridge with his business partners on a retreat, and told him that he was as healthy as a horse but that I had abnormal result and would have to go back in for further treatment/discussion. He sensed the sadness in my voice and came home that evening (Boy, I have a great husband!).

For the next 48 hours I lived with the fear in the back of my mind that I would not get to watch my wee ones grow up.

For the next 48 hours Google became my best friend. I googled so much that I am pretty sure I now type 200+ words per minute. More importantly I learned that, unlike my friends who had more severe thyroid issues, my condition, hypothyroidism, was manageable with daily medication. One pill a day for the rest of my life.

I also learned that my vitamin D levels were EXTREMELY low (which could be causing some of the thyroid issues) and that I would be prescribed vitamin D pills that I would also have to take for my life's entirety.

I went from being an invincible twenty-something to a daily-pill-popping-thirty-something overnight.

I went into my follow up appointment informed and ready to accept this new normal. As expected I was prescribed two pills: one for my thyroid and one high level vitamin D pill that I would take for six weeks and then I would replaced it with a lower level over-the-counter vitamin D supplement.

Who knew a home study could be so exciting? That said, I am glad last week is over. I can now begin this next week knowing that we have a treatment plan in place and that both my blood abnormalities are manageable. I am very thankful for the fact that we caught everything before they had the chance to develop into more serious issues and turned into... the dreaded C word.

Here's to a less exciting week.

Being Real About Foster Care and Adoption

This past weekend Mark and I were lucky enough attend a foster care and adoption film festival here in Denver where we saw two amazingly thought-provoking films. The first film, Girl, Adopted, follows a teenage girl for four years from her birth country of Ethiopia to her new home in the Deep South, while the second film,  Tough Love, tells the stories of two separate families on opposite sides of our country fighting the social services system to regain legal custody of their children.

Both films were fantastic and we highly recommend them.

Girl, Adopted, was the first adoption documentary that I have seen (and I will fully disclose that while I tend to watch a lot of depressing documentaries, I am not an avid viewer of adoption films) that depicts very well the different mindsets of adoptive parents through the passage of time. Better yet, what I should say is that their mental and emotional struggles mirror our journey almost to a tee.

This got me thinking...

During this festival I cried, I was disheartened, I was even angry, but I LOVED these films. Why? Because they were real. The stories did not skip over the difficulties of overcoming demons or waiting for life's reasons. They did not paint a perfect picture of "love conquering all" - and I appreciate that.

Life is not pretty.

Being a parent is not pretty.

Foster care and adoption are not pretty.

We are all difficult and messy but it is that exact complexity that makes the end result so amazing! It is the times where we as parents rely on nothing but each other's shoulders as we cry over a difficult night. Or when a child is placed into our care and we know that because of the abuse and neglect that she has suffered her life will never be 'normal'. It is the nights that we spend hours holding our children convincing them that they are worthy of both love and life. And it is equally those days when we get to witness our children running in the surf without a care in the world.

When we, as a foster care and adoption community, share only part of our stories we not only deprive our friends and families the chance to mourn with us, support us, and pray for us, we also do a disservice to our children's story.  When we allow our children to know that their story - OUR story - has bumps and twists and turns in it, it teaches them exactly how strong they are and how, as a family, we can overcome together.

If I could share one piece of advice with all adoptive and foster families it would be to-

Be Real!

Share your stories - your whole stories.

De-stigmatize the effects of trauma and special needs and allow prospective families to know the truth about the journey they may embark on. Create a community of truth instead of false perfectionism - and vent! When prospective adoptive or foster families only hear positive stories about this major life decision they risk the chance of entering their journey unprepared and undereducated. This can be destructive to any family dynamic. Let's send our fellow families along as fully informed as possible and unafraid to reach out if times do become difficult. Most importantly let us not deprive our children of the awesomeness that is their story. Let them draw strength from their struggles and find meaning in the love they come to know. Whether we are adoptive parents, foster parents, or biological parents, it is our role to act as a bridge between the past and future for our children. We must not shelter them from the storm that is their life, we must lift them up, support them through it, and allow them to find their own sunny path.

Thank You!

Since my last post we have been overwhelmed with the amount of support and outreach that we have received from friends and complete strangers alike. With community support like this we are sure to get through this rough patch in one piece. In your shared advise, thoughts, prayers, and personal stories of parenting a child with depression or trauma you all have given us hope and for that we thank you!

When we first began this healing journey almost a year ago we were afraid to talk about M's struggles for fear that he would be judged and stigmatized, but through this we have learned how wrong we were. In every situation that we have disclosed M's personal struggle and our struggle as a family to address his trauma related behavior we have been met with understand and full support wether it be his school's principal and dean of students or close friends, our church community and extended family. Everyone has gathered around M and it has been beautiful.

We are slowly learning that it really does take a village. Thank you all for being that village!